A dream..

I think I should remind you that it was all a dream and that things out of the ordinary often happen in dreams.. and another thing- most of what happened I only 'knew' or 'realised' when I was partly through the dream.

It all started with me lying down on my queen sized bed, nice and comfortable.. I think it was in the late evening and I was chatting with a girlfriend, when we suddenly realised that there was someone else there.. listening in.. we both looked up and saw a ghostly image of a girl around our age (would have loved to describe her in detail but all I seemed to remember was that she was pretty.. not like the typical Japanese long haired, white skin, big eyed ghosts with the menacing 'I am bad and scary' look) sitting on top of my row of apple-green cupboards.

Surprisingly, we were calm and even greeted her casually as if she was a friend of ours. Then I realised -actually it was more as if I had known all along- that my elder brother had passed away (only in the dream, touch wood). I was mourning and questioning why God had taken him instead of me.. he was intelligent and good-looking and polite and helped my parents without throwing up a fuss (as opposed to a 'does well in school only if she studies like mad, quite okay looking with a blunt nose, rude and only helps if guilty' girl like me..) I was distressed and felt it more than unfair that he wasn't spared.

I continued my crying and cursing monologue when the ghost interupted saying that I could save him, that there was still a chance.

Next thing I knew was I was walking alongside my elder brother, he seemed so real, alive I remember thinking, we were walking down a deserted road near my house and it was dark. We stopped under a lamp post and started talking. He was telling me how he would give anything to be given a second chance to live again.. anything, saying how he missed all of us, wishing that he was alive. He wanted to be successful,to be one of most accomplished around, saying that he could, he knew that he could, but he can't. I said I want to help, but how.. I apologised..

I felt so guilty, as if his death was my fault, knowing very well that it wasn't, yet feeling that I should have taken his place.

I hugged him.

I hugged him and knew what I could do to help him. It was only now I 'remembered' what the ghost girl had said, that all I needed to say was ' I wish I was in your place instead of mine' and then PRESTO- he would wake up alive and me dead. I thought of all my friends, I thought of my family, of a certain someone and was about to say it when ..

He whispered under his breath "If you really want to help me, say 'I wish I was in your place instead of mine'" I looked up at him. He wanted life so desperately that he was willing to 'cheat' his own sister out of hers.. (I use the word cheat as he doesn't know that I know that if I said the words I was giving him my life)

Even after he said those selfish (I realise now, but then all I seemed to think was how desperately he needed to live) words, I realised I loved him.

These few minutes seemed to last forever, I felt that I had thought it over so many times, I was so sure, almost too sure that what I were to do was right. Not that I hated my life, it was okay.. I actually kinda liked it. But what i had to do was crystal clear.

Knowing fully well what I said and its impact, as if I saw things so clearly at the time, I said it. There. The light from the lamp post started flickering.. Then I felt weak and tired, drowsy and in a weird way, peaceful.

Everything went black.


p.s. I have yet to figure out the 'meaning' of this dream..after all it seems so symbolic.. if u have the faintest idea, please feel free to 'enlighten' me..